Fearfully and Wonderfully Made The Fight of All Fights

I was in church one day and grieving, asking for answers. I cannot remember the sermon, but I vividly reiterate when the preacher had looked at me through the crowd and said, “Sarah, I pray for your heart”.
I did not know why my road for love had been so unsteady and full of hurt. It has never been one of simple break ups and grievance. I continue to ask myself questions like, “Why do I keep putting myself through this?” “Why was this one like the other ones?” “Why does this keep happening?” “Why can’t someone just love me?” “What is wrong with me?”
I have fallen into relationships where I was certain it would be different than the last one. Somehow, it ends up the same as before.
I have come to the realization that everything I have endured has come down to me; a self-reflection of me. It is a matter of the lack of self-respect and boundaries I hold. When you are healthy and recognize your true worth, you do not tolerate the destruction. You do not take mistreatment.
My parents have always told me that as a little girl I was ornery, stubborn, and said no a lot. I was strong, determined, and set for success. I often ask myself where that little went within me today. I feel, overtime, people wear you down. Maybe it was that girl that tried bullying me all the time in middle school. The time the lunch table was full and I had to sit by myself. Maybe it was the first time a guy said he liked me and just used me for sex. Could it have been when I lost myself my first year away from home at eighteen?
We have so much innocence. Overtime, the world covers it in hurt, betrayal, and resentment. However, with hurt also comes strength, wisdom, understanding, and courage.
I have had to reevaluate my past to seek what has been so problematic for me. I have found for the last eight years of my life, I have really never just been Sarah. It was not that I felt I needed to have somebody. It has been a problem of the lack of boundaries I have for myself. Relationships I was not ready for entered my life. Even if I said I did not want it, I was wrong and they were right. I would give in. My “Nos” have been passed off for yeses. I would say no and I let it turn into yes. Why can I not stand up for myself? Why couldn’t these other guys respect my wants? The answer comes down to selfish motifs. If someone cares about you and your wants, they will respect your wishes. That is what a real man who cares does.
I had to take a look at my past relationships and why they were the way they were. Why did I continue to stay with someone who would beat the crap out of me? Why did I tolerate a person who could not control their party life? Why did I let someone in who wanted to use me so much? And why was it acceptable to be talked down to when I was so down already? Again, these are all reflections of how I view myself. I would be hit because it was my fault and I deserved it. I let that person come be shit faced every weekend because it was the acceptable behavior I was around, and did myself. I let that person talk down to me because I believed it was okay to be spoken to in such a way. In reality, hands should not have been placed on me. Life is worth so much more than being drunk all the time. I am worth way more than someone using me to make themselves better. Words should be used to raise you up and not put you down. None of this was love. None of what I gave myself was love.
I do not regret anything I have gone through. I would not be the person I am now. I am taking this time to reconstruct and find what is missing within. I am facing fear; my reflection. I am uncovering my deepest darkest secrets to myself and exposing them for what they are. It is time to not fill the holes with my vices anymore. I know I will not be healed or made new overnight. I will need a lot of help and a good foundation under me; friends, family, lots of love, faith. Number one is faith. Every day is a chance to renew myself, even if it is very small. Three degrees is all you need to turn your life around.
I will do whatever it takes to renew myself and treat me the way I need to be treated. I do not know quite what that looks like yet, but every day I pray for guidance. Every day I ask for the answers needed to make this happen. I am thankful where I am today, and blessed for what is to come tomorrow. Yes, I fear for my heart. I do not want to be broken anymore. I do not want to have to crawl back up because I am tired. But life is just like fighting: you look up at your coach and they say, “We got one more round kid. You got this”. So you get up, and you give that last round all you have. I know I am the warrior God wants me to be; fire and light. It is time to bring her out. So I am going to stand up, and fight my last round like no one has seen before.
Ding ding…

2 thoughts on “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made The Fight of All Fights

  1. No matter what path you choose, what mistakes you make, or how deep the abyss, you always have your family. They love you no matter what.

Leave a Reply